


quoth the raven

by unexpectedchair



Series: for reasons wretched and divine [1]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, It works pretty well, you ever just use your fae familiar as a therapist?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25189441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unexpectedchair/pseuds/unexpectedchair
Summary: Ainsel has a conversation about some new feelings with her familiar, Banana.
Relationships: Ainsel & Banana, Ainsel & Rest of Party, Implied Ainsel/Istus
Series: for reasons wretched and divine [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824760





	quoth the raven

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this while i was pining and also sad. the girl i was pining for is now my gf though, so pog

“I just don’t get it,” Ainsel sighed, tapping the windowsill with her long, black nails. She gazed outside, to where the city that surrounded the OI’ Strings tavern cushioned the desolate landscape of the rocky plains. “I can’t seem to say no to her, _Faere_.”

Her familiar, in the form of a raven as usual, cocked its head to the side, beady red eyes staring into her. 

_You address me so formally only when you’re upset,_ Banana replied, _But have you considered you might have feelings that_ aren’t _disdain or apathy?_

“We are well past that. I’ve already established that that is an issue with this group I’ve found myself in,” Ainsel pointed accusatorily at her familiar, “You’re not considering that with Istus, it’s even _more_ different. I don’t get it. I respect very few gods, and I despised her as a goddess before I met her as a mortal, so this.. It’s not like I hold reverence for her because of her former divinity. This is… a problem.”

 _You want to talk to her constantly,_ The raven before her echoed her thoughts, his wings fluffing gently as a breeze rolled through the open window, _You make excuses to speak privately with her, or when you address the group, you really just mean her. You have ever since your conversation with her after Cavern City. When you first met her at the temple, you made it a point to introduce yourself to her as your real name. Or, lack thereof, I suppose._

“Must you repeat what I already know?” She sounded annoyed now, “You’re lucky I don’t turn you into a quill supply, sometimes, _Faere_. We both know the facts of the issue. You’re running circles around the solution.”

_I can’t tell you the solution. I’m repeating what you know to lead you to the proper conclusion._

She raised an eyebrow. “Which is?”

_Your feelings for her run deeper than the rest of the group for a reason. She’s shown you nothing but kindness, even in your worst, most selfish moments. She, unlike the others, listens to your words as they are. She is the first to truly, earnestly ask you what happened to you, and not out of disgust, but of care. She cares for you. Have you considered maybe you care for her as well, in.. a different sort of way?_

Ainsel laughed, a cold, derisive sound. “Oh, please, you know I don’t love.”

And with that, her raven seemed to rear up, feathers stretching and talons glinting in the light. Banana the Raven was a bird in this plane, but both of them knew elsewhere he was _fae_ , and the fae were cruel and they knew power, even elsewhere, even as not themselves. And the spell Ainsel taught herself lent itself a caveat- she knew not the strength of the fae she summoned. It could be as weak as a sprite to as strong as an Archfey, and right now, it’s ire was directed at her in full force at her denial.

 _If you have any respect left for our partnership,_ Salem _, you will_ not _lie to me so plainly. We are connected as it is, and I watched as you lay awake staring at your hand after she took it that night._

Ainsel looked out the window again. For a moment, it was silent.

“Doesn’t matter how I feel in any capacity. Either we succeed, and she goes back to being a goddess. She goes back to Beory and to weaving the strings of fate. She forgets all about me, as I am mortal, and that’s all I ever will be. Or, if we fail, then everything disappears, and we will never know the difference. It’s logical not to hope for anything, here. This is why me getting attached to the group is a problem.” She stood.

 _Don’t go,_ the fae creature urged.

“I’m not. Not this time. Not when it’s already going to happen. Krunk has his village to return to. Joshuel has.. Oh, honestly, where even _is_ America? Doesn’t matter, he clearly wants to go back. Wrenn.. Spisys… _Toast_ has bigger things to worry about. Terrance, well, he seems mighty nice, but clearly he goes where the money does. Murdis… oh, please, he’s replaced with another one of his cousins every mission. And Ted.. well. He’s a noble. He has duties. And for that matter, so do I. I’m only here because of the mission. We’re only here for the mission. They watch my back and they pretend to care for me because I am a useful asset- there is no _point_ in asking for more than that! Who am I to demand their compassion, their connection? _Who am I to hold them back from their lives just because I am lifeless?”_

Another moment passes.

 _You told Krunk you were proud of him,_ Banana pointed out. _Now he asks to spar with you every day._

“Yes. I did. And yes, he does. I don’t see your point.”

_Ted, despite the fact that he’s now resolved his own issue, still makes it his point to help you with your silence. You do not flinch when he lets his divinity flow through his weapon._

“... I am useful to him if he gives me something to fight for. And I’ve gotten used to it.”

_Toast makes you breakfast without asking nowadays, doesn’t he? He even knows you like it nearly burnt, without you saying a thing._

“It’s better for everyone if I have the energy to fight. Breakfast is important for that.”

_Joshuel always shows his, ah, “cool rocks” to you first._

“I most likely remind him of Ela Kia. We’re both changelings.”

_You made it a point to introduce yourself as yourself to Murdis and Terrance. You never did that before, it was always as someone else._

“There isn’t a point in pretending to be human if everyone knows I’m not.”

Banana sighed, as best as a raven could. _Haven’t you noticed that Istus makes it a point to talk to you, too?_

Ainsel didn’t look at him.

_You can’t keep writing off these people caring for you forever, Ainsel. Building walls or trying to rationalize them all as strategic moves to optimize the group ignores that not everyone thinks like you do. Hell, not even you think like you anymore. You haven’t realized, child, but you have to force yourself to think of these people as assets to your cause nowadays. You have made friends. You’ve even written to your father about them. Imagine that. A feeling so overwhelming you feel the need to write to the last semblance of divinity in this world about it._

“I know,” she whispered. “I know. I don’t like what that means for me. People who I get close tend to get hurt. Or they end up hurting me. I just want to be alone.”

_No. No, you don’t._

“... I know,” she whispered, even quieter this time.

_Haven’t we been here before, Salem? Alone in a room, isolated from the world?_

She closed her eyes and remembered being a half-elf child, locked away in a mansion in a cold room with no furniture. There were three locks on the door, all forged from Cold Iron, that burned her to touch and left her huddled in the corner until _he_ decided she had suffered enough for the evening.

_This time, though, there is nowhere putting you in there, no one to lock the door. You can leave freely. You’re in control. It is warm outside, Salem, and they are waiting for you to get out of bed._

Ainsel tapped the windowsill a third time, but she did not move from her bed.


End file.
